Sometimes All That I Can Do Is Simply Cry

Who would have thought today would have turned out to be the emotional day that it has been. Today was the first week that I switched to just going to physical therapy just one time a week. In my mind that meant that I was nearing an end and that everything was looking good. I knew that I was going to have a new PT today because Karen was going back to another location and the end of last week. Up until today, I had worked with Karen from the very beginning. Jessica helped her and would do stuff with me sometimes, but for the most part I worked with Karen. Karen, Jessica, and I had all developed a really neat friendship. They both want to take me to Bojangles sometime soon, so I can be an official North Carolina resident.

In all honesty, I was not really nervous about working with my new therapist. I had met Chad last week while I was there and he was really nice and I was excited to work with him. However, today for the first time in a long time Satan took my thoughts captive throughout my hour at therapy. I started my day out on the treadmill and I was going to walk forwards and then turn around and walk against it. After a few minutes Chad asked me why I was apprehensive about walking and still having my knee somewhat bent. He was the first one to really call me out on this, because I've noticed it for a while. I know some of you are probably confused by what I mean, but when most people walk when they bring their leg back it straightens out. At this point, mine is still not doing that and I really should be by now. Chad noticed that I was doing this not fully because I can't straighten my knee out yet but because their is still some hesitation there.

From the very beginning of this injury I have heard over and over what an awful injury this is and that more than likely this is not a one time injury. I will probably do this again and thus will need more aggressive surgeries in the future. That is not news to me. I think there is a part of me that has that thought in my head and because of that I'm very nervous to "be normal" again.

This fear became even more clear to me today in therapy. Chad told me that in his experience in PT the hardest patient he has ever had was someone with my injury. He explained that the root of the problem is not my knee. In fact, it is my hip and core. At this point they can not hold a significant amount of strength on their own and as long as that is the case I will continue to have patella injuries. So, for the next 45 minutes we worked on just that. Chad basically told me that was the sole cause of my initial injury and that even if we fix the problem with the knee and neglect the hip and core then it will happen all over again. As discouraging as it all was to me, I do know that Karen, Jessica, and Chad are all trying to encourage me and to tell me that things are getting better.

My 20 minute drive home today was when my tears really began to start. I realized that what I had done was allow the enemy to get in my head and tell me that I'm going to continue to have a messed up knee and that I will never be completely normal. I really have not cried a lot about this entire situation, because I've purposefully tried my best to not allow myself to. I knew that today I had to because I had forgotten that I serve a God who has defeated my enemy and that He is my healer. He is Jehovah Rapha. I do not know if the Lord will choose to completely heal me or not, but I do know that He has the power to use this in whatever way He so chooses. The road ahead is not going to be easy, it probably will not always be fun, but for this moment in time this is where He has me. All I can do is simply say, "today I will follow you."