Sometimes All That I Can Do Is Simply Cry

Who would have thought today would have turned out to be the emotional day that it has been. Today was the first week that I switched to just going to physical therapy just one time a week. In my mind that meant that I was nearing an end and that everything was looking good. I knew that I was going to have a new PT today because Karen was going back to another location and the end of last week. Up until today, I had worked with Karen from the very beginning. Jessica helped her and would do stuff with me sometimes, but for the most part I worked with Karen. Karen, Jessica, and I had all developed a really neat friendship. They both want to take me to Bojangles sometime soon, so I can be an official North Carolina resident.

In all honesty, I was not really nervous about working with my new therapist. I had met Chad last week while I was there and he was really nice and I was excited to work with him. However, today for the first time in a long time Satan took my thoughts captive throughout my hour at therapy. I started my day out on the treadmill and I was going to walk forwards and then turn around and walk against it. After a few minutes Chad asked me why I was apprehensive about walking and still having my knee somewhat bent. He was the first one to really call me out on this, because I've noticed it for a while. I know some of you are probably confused by what I mean, but when most people walk when they bring their leg back it straightens out. At this point, mine is still not doing that and I really should be by now. Chad noticed that I was doing this not fully because I can't straighten my knee out yet but because their is still some hesitation there.

From the very beginning of this injury I have heard over and over what an awful injury this is and that more than likely this is not a one time injury. I will probably do this again and thus will need more aggressive surgeries in the future. That is not news to me. I think there is a part of me that has that thought in my head and because of that I'm very nervous to "be normal" again.
This fear became even more clear to me today in therapy. Chad told me that in his experience in PT the hardest patient he has ever had was someone with my injury. He explained that the root of the problem is not my knee. In fact, it is my hip and core. At this point they can not hold a significant amount of strength on their own and as long as that is the case I will continue to have patella injuries. So, for the next 45 minutes we worked on just that. Chad basically told me that was the sole cause of my initial injury and that even if we fix the problem with the knee and neglect the hip and core then it will happen all over again. As discouraging as it all was to me, I do know that Karen, Jessica, and Chad are all trying to encourage me and to tell me that things are getting better.

My 20 minute drive home today was when my tears really began to start. I realized that what I had done was allow the enemy to get in my head and tell me that I'm going to continue to have a messed up knee and that I will never be completely normal. I really have not cried a lot about this entire situation, because I've purposefully tried my best to not allow myself to. I knew that today I had to because I had forgotten that I serve a God who has defeated my enemy and that He is my healer. He is Jehovah Rapha. I do not know if the Lord will choose to completely heal me or not, but I do know that He has the power to use this in whatever way He so chooses. The road ahead is not going to be easy, it probably will not always be fun, but for this moment in time this is where He has me. All I can do is simply say, "today I will follow you."

To My Wonderful Friend Kimberly

Dear Kim! I am so thankful for you and it broke my heart to tell you today that I won't be able to come to your wedding in less than a month.
I am so excited for you and I know that this is simply
the beginning of a beautiful journey for you and Dan.
I was thinking about the past four years and what a blessing you have been
to me and thought I would share some pretty great pictures of us!
Sadly, I couldn't find any from the road trip we made to my parents house in
Arkansas. I do however remember the epic road trip CD I made for you
when you drove to my house.

Roommate dinner and Target trips did not happen enough that year.

I loved living with you, Linsey and Michelle.

We had Dr. Pepper parties, 90's pop music dance parties, and a lot of last minute Civ cramming.

Look how pretty we are! I think it's funny that Dan is in the background here.

I think I cried about 8 different times that day, but I know that for each of us the Lord has opened doors and has continued to show how faithful He is.

20 Years Ago

Tomorrow is September 17, 2010! I really like that day because on that day 20 years ago, I met my best friend for the very first time. That's right, my little brother was born that day. To be completely honest, for most of our lives we were not very close. I'm so thankful that we have changed that now. I remember the day that I moved to Shawnee to start my time at OBU, Wes told me it was one of the greatest days of his life. I'm so glad to know now that he was only half-way joking. I have no doubt in my mind that me moving out of the house was the beginning of the shift in our relationship. Wesley over the last four years has probably been one of the most influential people on my life, if not the most influential person on my life. My brother challenges me to think differently and to act differently in a way that is not easy for me. Wesley can relate to a 3 year old or a 75 year old with the same ease in which he relates to someone his own age. He has a heart for people and for missions. He loves to worship the Lord through music and often will tell me about what he is learning in his quiet time. I'm thankful for the times he calls me or texts me just to tell me he loves me and is praying for me. To my little brother (maybe younger brother is a more appropriate saying) I love you and am so blessed to be able to call you my brother! I hope this weekend as you celebrate your birthday you know how special you are to everyone you come into contact with!

Walking is Weird

So, I'm now officially weight bearing on my right leg/knee. I am so happy, my roommate told me she knew I had a good doctor's appointment because I was smiling and my doctor even commented on how much I was smiling. Let me explain the excessive smiling for a quick second, I was terrified about this appointment yesterday. I went into it thinking I had at least 5 more weeks of crutches and that the doctor was going to tell me that I had to stay non-weight bearing for a little while longer. At best, I was hoping for a few weeks of partial weight bearing. Neither one of those scenarios came true. Hallelujah. The doctor told me that I could go to full weight bearing immediately, he did advise that I do some partial for a day or so just to ease into full weight bearing since I have not put weight on my right leg since July 19th! All of that to say is that I could be walking without crutches in as little as two weeks. I am so happy.

The funny thing now is watching me attempt to walk again. My Mom told me on the phone that she thinks I will look like a 1 year old who is trying to walk for the first time. It is definitely a process because for roughly 7 and 1/2 weeks I've been hopping, crutching, using just one leg to get everywhere. I just want to get up and walk, but I also have to remember that my knee is not completely healed so I do have to be careful. Aka, I won't be running a marathon anytime soon. I doubt I ever will, not because I can't but because I despise running. Thank you all so much for your prayers. I have felt them more than I can even begin to express!

I'm Not in Arkansas Anymore

Let me say from the beginning of this post that I love living in North Carolina!
I really do, but with College Football kicking off this weekend I realize how much I miss Northwest Arkansas. Growing up and even now when I can, I turn my TV on as soon as GameDay comes on and watch as Lee Corso, Kirk Herbstreit, Chris Fowler, and Desmond Howard talk about all of the games for that day. I love getting up and putting on as much red as I possibly can and then watching college football all Saturday!

While at OBU, I had to watch so many Big12 games and I loved the chances when I got to go home and watch my Razorbacks. I loved being in Fayetteville on Saturday's. NWA was covered in red. People would be dressed in red, put flags on their cars, paint their faces, etc. Some of my favorite memories from my childhood include going to Razorback games with my family. Yes, my brother is a Tennessee fan but I still managed to let him tag along sometimes.

I think my favorite game was actually my Sophomore year at OBU.
I was given four tickets for the last home game of the season. I brought three
friends with me from school all of whom are Razorback fans.
It was the last game with Frank Broyles as Athletic Director and we won!
We even made it on TV twice during the game and Darren McFadden
broke the record for single game rushing yards for the SEC.
Man, do I miss D-Mac and Felix.
It just so happened that we played South Carolina that game.
I probably just lost 5 new friends with this post.

Anyway, happy opening weekend of the 2010 College Football season to you! I think it's going to be a good one!